An asterisk (*) at the end of the listing indicates that it's a good place to bring children (my children, anyway, what do I know?)

Museum of Comic and Cartoon Art
594 Broadway, Suite 401, 212-254-3511
I like it when a museum's approximately the same size as my living quarters. If nothing else, it validates my habit of referring to my 850-square-foot, one-closet apartment as my "house." MOCCA packs a lot of comics history and curatorial punch into their small space. I just wish they'd quit scheduling their annual festival for the same dang day as the Mermaid Parade! Curse the month of June with its wretched, cultural over-abundance!
*

MOMA
11 West 53 Street, 212-708-9400
Psst! Hey, pal! Are you an artist, or a reasonable facsimile thereof? If you've had an exhibition in NYC, or can bring in plausible evidence of published illustrations, you'll qualify for a $25 annual artist's pass. Pays for itself after you've visited the museum just 1&1/4 times! And let's not forget that kids are always free as are the audio tours they so crave, which will have that $9 plate of macaroni and cheese in the nifty 2nd floor cafe go down smooth (as will a glass of pinot grigio and a cunning, little dish of mixed olives, ya cheapskate!)
*

South Street Seaport Museum
12 Fulton St, 212-748-8786
I love me a good scrimshaw, especially on a Saturday afternoon, when there are three volunteers leading a children's craft workshop, and my children represent the day's only children's admissions thus far, but the real draw is The Peking, a tall ship that even landlubbers like me can board to learn about the scurvy conditions endured by your average seaman not a hundred years back. Lots of rotten potatoes and more than a few musical evenings involving mops on the head and coconut shell bras, as evidenced by the charmingly abused photographic enlargements posted below decks.
*

Lower East Side Tenement Museum
97 Orchard St, 212-431-0233
Before you start envying the huddled masses their unbelievably sweet rents ($25 a month for a Lower East Side Studio? Who needs hot water or ventilation!?), imagine what a fucking blast it would be to stand over the sink, hand-laundering your nine children's soiled linen after a busy twelve hour shift at the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory. This is one of the few places where I'm not inclined to run from costumed interpreters, and though it feels kind of yuppie to mention it, the gift shop is not one to miss.
*

Ellis Island Immigration Museum
Ferries depart regularly from Castle Clinton, but be prepared for a long, al fresco wait in addition to a security check.
The first time I visited this excellently preserved relic of American History, a member of my party insisted that we all rent the audio tour, narrated by Tom Brokaw and featuring the no doubt sanitized reminiscences of several now-elderly immigrants. My headset's failing batteries inadvertently caused one interview subject to sound like she was spitting every time she brought up her first sighting of people of color. I am reminded of that possibly-more-revealing-than-intended glitch every time I, an unconscripted Daughter of the American Revolution, take folks to see the moving display of rustic baggage laboriously carried from the Old Country.
*

The Museum of the Moving Image
35th Ave at 36th St, Queens, 718-784-0077
The kids and I always have fun here, but my old Chicago cohort, President Bob Stockfish, and I had a stone blast when we took the 7 train out on a weekday, when the feral young were locked up, courtesy of the New York Board of Ed. You should see our video flip book! You should have heard the filthy things he had coming out of Judy Garland's mouth when it was our turn to loop a clip from The Wizard of Oz! Best of all was the nearly deserted, complimentary-as-ever video game gallery on the ground floor. Every mother would benefit from a few child-free rounds of Eye Candy. Let me tell you, I slapped those tiny ninjas silly!
*

The New York Hall of Science
47-01 111th Stt , Queen, 718-699-0005
They'll nail you so bad on parking, you might want to consider taking the subway, or do as Greg did, and ante up for the annual family membership, which comes with unlimited parking privileges for the goddamn Subaru Outback you bought without seriously consulting your wife beforehand. It's okay. He's usually the one who ends up hauling the kids to this interactive and allegedly scientific wonderland, less bothered than I by the overpowering reek of jacked-up child sweat. I did escort a party of four there this summer, without too much damage to my mental equilbrium or my delicate olfactory sensibilities, thanks largely to the expansive al fresco Science Playground, a timed entry fantasia that's only open in clement weather. Don't wear flip flops, plan to feed them elsewhere, and keep a sharp eye on the clock, because there's no negotiating if you blow your timed entry.
*

The Museum of Sex
233 Fifth Ave, 212- 689-6337
Going here'll cost you the same as going to MOMA, but there are many more naked people on display. Their vintage collections are not only superbly smutty, they're often weird, funny, and so much cooler than anything you can scratch up on the Internet. (i.e., a very dirty Max Fleischer cartoon, in which a chubby, little anthropomorphized penis is romanced by everyone who crosses his path, including an amorous mule who shapes his tail into a heart, then turns it into an arrow pointing toward his own heiner.)

The New York City Transit Museum
Schermerhorn St at Boerum Place (underground) 718-243-3060
Pretending to drive a bus doesn't top the charts of your thrill-o-meter? It would if you were a) three years old or b) the parent of a three-year-old desperate to read a newspaper like a normal human being. (Try to avoid field trip prime time or you may be stuck trying to convince a tearful would-be bus driver that pretending to ride a vintage subway car is just as much fun, if not more. Only an aspiring newspaper reader would buy that argument.)
*

The Japan Society
A restful exhibit space and cultural center near the UN, the Japan Society occasionally busts the sort of indecorous move I crave, such as the Yoko Ono exhibit where Inky took in the heinie movie and 2005's Otaku Strikes exhibit.

Children's Museum of the Arts
182 Lafayette St, 212941-9198
This is the only NYC children's museum that I can handle. (The one on the Upper West Side is like McDonalds - it's one corporate character promotion after another!) Lots of art supplies that the kids probably don't get to use with impunity at home: staplers, scissors, messy paints, clay and blueberry iMacs with all sorts of options. I think Inky got lice from the dress up clothes here, but maybe I'm just saving face.
*

International Center for Photography
1133 Sixth Ave, 212-768-4682
To the best of my absolutely uninformed knowledge, you can't go wrong here - great bookstore too!

American Folk Art Museum
45 W 53rd St, 212-265-1040
Their brand spanking new location is home to a study center devoted to Henry Darger, the posthumous unlikely darling of the art world, who wrote and illustrating a sprawling history of The Vivian Girls - leaders of a little girl/ child hermaphrodite army engaged in bloody battles with grown-ups in Civil War uniforms. If I ever write that damn novel, Henry Darger will figure heavily in it and hopefully, by the time it's finished, you won't be able to buy Vivian Girl totebags, umbrellas and notecards at the Met.

The Metropolitan Museum of the Arts
1000 Fifth Ave, 212-535-7710
A little gem. No seriously, if it's raining and you aspire for the kids to be cultured, let them do a few laps around the magnificent Temple of Dendur (go straight there, don't get any big ideas about forcing them to appreciate the murky etchings and Chinese porcelain you so admire) while you gaze out the huge windows at Central Park and make sure the baby doesn't toddle into the moat. The males of the species will probably love the suits of armor more than I do and if you're unhampered by children, having a drink in the roof garden is sure to bring on one of those New York moments where it's a shame that there's no movie crew to record your perfect oneness with the city.

PS1 Contemporary Art Center
22-25 Jackson Ave, Queens 718-784-2084
Good Lord, what are you doing in Queens? This has been my favorite museum since they curated an exhibit of modern art called "Almost Warm and Fuzzy," designed to appeal to the twisted sensibilities of youthful viewers (though the giant nose sculpture that regularly sneezed gallons of green water terrified Inky). There's always something to appeal to the kids here, as well as something revelatory for adults only (Henry Darger, some brutal Goya etchings) so bring at least one extra adult and trade child chasing duties. The café has great treats and the furniture is made out of old tires painted along a taxicab theme.

Isamu Noguchi Garden Museum
36-01 43rd Ave, Queens 718-204-7088
Can't get enough of Queens? Go on a beautiful day to best enjoy the serene indoor/outdoor flow that carries you around the Japanese sculptor's simple shapes. It's a long walk from the subway, but once you get there, the Socrates Sculpture Park is in spittin' distance, and besides, I once stopped in a bodega for an iced coffee on the long, hot trudge, filled out an entry form, stuck it in a box on the counter and won a red Fender Stratocaster!
*

Brooklyn Museum of Art
200 Eastern Parkway, Brooklyn, 718-638-5000
Every first Saturday of the month (except September) there is a big, jam-packed free admission party with live music and films related thematically to the current exhibition. The kind of thing that Greg Kotis abhors and I love, no matter how often I resolve to attend First Saturday en famille, we never do.
*

Center for Thanatology
391 Atlantic Avenue, 718-858-3026
A labor of love from a Brooklyn woman who's really interested in the study of death rituals! Call to make an appointment!