An asterisk (*) at the end of the listing indicates that it's a good place to bring children (my children, anyway, what do I know?)

Dr. Sketchy's Anti-Art School
How can you not seriously consider enrolling in an art school that has its own coloring book, a cash bar and happy-seeming models posing like peacocks in their own personal burlesque finery. Founder Molly Crabapple is as community-spirited as she is lovely, industrious, and talented! A true imp of the perverse.

Hungry March Band
A celestial squonk! An unparalleled honk! You may have encountered their procession on the Feast of St. Joey Ramone, tracked them onto Coney Island's frozen sands as Astroland opens for the season, or gotten an eyeful of them tooting their own horns in Shortbus. I'd gladly follow them to the ends of the earth, even if I had to schlep the kidsk.
* (sometimes)

Holy Apostles Soup Kitchen
Who wants a complimentary paper hat? It's yours to keep when you take a shift on this charitable chow line. If that doesn't warm your grinchy heart, consider that the rector refused to close his kitchen doors to accommodate the homeless-averse organizers of the Republican National Convention.
* (children over the age of 8 can volunteer with a parent)

The Brooklyn Bridge
Don't wait for the next protest march to hoof it across! Start at the north end of Brooklyn's Cadman Plaza, ascend the narrow, pee-ful, stone staircase and you'll have the champagne view the whole way into Lower Manhattan.
*

Take a Chinatown Bus
Fifteen bucks and you're in Baltimore, baby! For fans of intrepid travel, dirt-cheap bargains, cultural experience and gang warfare (rolled into one!), ain't no bus like a Chinatown bus for getting to DC, Boston, Philly and other east coast destinations. Take a couple of Dramamine, pee before you leave home and you'll do fine. If my favorite company, New Century, doesn't go where you need getting to, try Dragon Coach, Fung Wah, or any of the other often indistinguishable, questionably legal lines that pull up under the Manhattan Bridge.

Fulton Ferry Landing, Brooklyn
Take the A or the C to High St Brooklyn Bridge, then walk downhill to the East River.
Hey, here's something fun for a pleasant weekend afternoon. Get yourself a cone of the old fashioned good stuff at the new ice cream factory in the white clapboard building and then lounge on the sun-warmed planks of the Fulton Ferry landing, watching Chinese bridal parties roll up to be photographed against the skyline of lower Manhattan. If you like boats, you can ride the new water taxi up to Chelsea Piers or something. Fred Argoff who publishes Brooklyn zine ($2 to 1800 Ocean Pkwy B12, Brooklyn NY 11223-3037) asks you to refrain from calling this area D.U.M.B.O. If you enjoy old-timey, made on the premises 'iced cream' to quote Springfield's Montgomery Burns, perhaps you'll get a thrill from saying 'Fulton Ferry.' From here, it's just a hop and a skip to Jacques Torres, Superfine, Empire Park, St. Ann's Warehouse and other attractions!
*

Cathedral of Saint John the Divine
1047 Amsterdam Ave, 212-316-7540
My father's the real church hopper in the family, which is why I first darkened the doorstep of this Episcopal cathedral - it's vast enough to have a resident tightrope artist. (It really does, that's not just some cheap simile, pal.) For those inclined to get the gargoyle's eye view, there are tours of the tower and there are all sorts of interesting exhibits in the various naves and cubby holes. It smells good (unless you're asthmatic, I would imagine) and the gift shop can spot you enough recorded Gregorian chants to last several lifetimes. If you want to save the best for last, blindfold yourself for the block of Amsterdam due south - there's a psychotic sculpture of Saint Michael the archangel battling the devil with the help of some giraffes and other animal pals, including a giant crab who wins MVP for popping Satan's head off with one pinch of his claws! Ha ha, this sculpture is in 'the children's garden'! That's messed up.

Coney Island
Brooklyn!
I recommend taking the F train to the second to last stop and walking on the wooden overpass to the boardwalk. You'll have the aquarium to your left, the not-half-as-bad-as-you-fear public bathrooms directly in front of you and the amusement park to your right. For more info, see East Village Inky # 12.
*

Sunset Park
Take the N to 8th Avenue, Brooklyn! And turn left!
If you crave Korean children's stationery and Chinese groceries as much as I do, you'll love this strip of 8th Avenue. It's like Chinatown without the touristic aspect that leads to coolie hats, bamboo back scratchers and grumpy vibes. For more info, see East Village Inky # 12.
*

Empire State Park
On the Brooklyn side of the East River - take the F to York St, head downhill, turn left
Under construction and due to reopen in the early summer of 2002, this is the million dollar view of lower Manhattan between the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges. In the summer, there are free movies - and still plenty of room to spread your picnic blanket right before showtime unlike the competitive scene before the movies start in Bryant Park (where I thought I was going into labor with Inky!) If it's still not open to the public, wander a few blocks north and you'll come to a great, brand spankin' new playground set up to resemble a pirate's galleon.
*

The Brooklyn Botanic Garden
1000 Washington Avenue, Brooklyn, 718-622-4433
Ooh, it's lovely here and not such a schlep as the bigger one in the Bronx (unless you happen to live near the Bronx, I guess). I particularly recommend the scent garden (unless, like Greg, you suffer from pollen allergies) and the cherry blossom and chili pepper festivals scheduled for spring and fall.
*

The Union Square Greenmarket
Union Square West and 17th St (Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday)
Join the professional chefs trolling for weird produce, fresh herbs, organic fish and poultry, potted plants, Vermont maple syrup, fancy baked goods and an Amish farmer's irresistable cheese curds! Good playgrounds nearby.
*

Tompkins Square
Between Avenues A & B and 7th and 10th Street
The East Village Inky's most sacred spot. On a hot day, grab a child and make for the sprinklers behind the little red brick house located midway between Avenues A and B off the 9th street entrances.
*

The Korean Street: 32nd Street Between 5th and 6th Avenues
My new favorite place to poke around. If you are immodest, you might think about renting a karaoke room or having a (for ladies only) $100 body scrub at the hilariously undeluxe Yi Pak spa.

Grand Central's Whispering Wall
Grand Central Station, 42nd St at Park Avenue
If you have to catch a train, go early to have enough time to do this: make your way to the passage that leads to the Oyster Bar. Outside the Oyster bar there are corners formed by the intersection of three passages coming together. Position your kid or your friend in one corner facing the wall (don't forget to attract the attention of passerby by hissing, "You will be severely punished!") and then go face the wall in the corner diagonally opposite. Whisper into the wall and your friend/kid will hear you plain as day! Fun! People who don't share our acoustic secret will assume you are stoned.
*

Time Out New York taunts me with exhaustive listings of all the wonderful events, concerts, readings, films, plays and exhibits that I won't be attending on any given week. Once I won free admission to see a Brazilian Carnivale band at SOB's by entering one of their contests and recently I was treated to a photograph of my college sweetheart dressed as a down-on-her-luck stripper in torn fishnets and a jeweled thong. It's got it all, including online listings of everything you won't want to miss.

While in NYC, don't forget to pick up a copy of The Onion from one of its hundreds of free distribution points (especially downtown and anyplace in Brooklyn where goatees, tattoos and stacked adult Mary Janes aren't a rarity). It's a bright spot on even the darkest days.